A Pimp Named Zelda
by dinosaurjen
Summary: Contains gangster talk, insane amounts of language, and pimping. Zelda is the head pimp in Hyrule, and Link doesn't believe her. Not to be taken seriously.


This fic contains crazy amounts of language, gangster talk, and pimping. It isn't meant to be taken seriously. If you do take it seriously and yell at me, the postman will cap your ass. That is all. ENJOY.

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"Holy shit, dawg!" Link exclaimed to his crazy sexy Twili friend. "It's da fuckin' postman! Run fo yo damn lives!"

"Are you fuckin' stupid? That right there is a _pimp."_ Midna explained calmly. "And he is so gonna cap yo ass."

"Midna, you is so full 'a shit." Link said, earning a smack across the back of his head. The postman stopped in front of the two and dug around in his bag, finally pulling out a letter and handing it to Midna.

"Here ya go, bitch. Your pay." Midna took it from him.

"Da hell? I earned way more than this shit."

"Yeah, well, I gotta get money too, bitch."

"Hold on one DAMN second!" Link yelled, stopping their argument. "Da hell's goin' on? Since when is you a ho, Midna?"

"Link, you stupid fuck." Midna said. "Have you seen how damn hot I am?"

"Uh, well, yeah I guess-"

"Mah fuckin' point completely." Midna yelled. "I am one smokin' piece of ass." The postman laughed.

"Hell yeah! She's my head bitch."

"Let me guess." Link said. "The princess is yo bottom bitch?"

"Naw, man." Midna said. "Da fuckin' princess is da head pimp. All pimps across Hyrule Hood gotta pay deir taxes to her or dey get da shit beat out of 'em."

"Whaaaat?" Link asked. "Dat right dere is some crazy shit."

"And just to point dis out," the postman said. "My bottom bitch is some worthless ho we call Sugar. Forget her actual name."

"Fuck it," Midna said. "She ugly anyway."

It was later in the day. Link was determined to confront Zelda about all this 'head pimp' buisness. She could hardly kill a fly, much less smack a bitch. He doubted the rumors.

"You sure you wanna get all up in her grill, Link?" Midna asked him.

"Well, duh!" He retaliated. No, he was just going on a walk around Hyrule castle because he enjoyed getting lost. Fuck that. "Hey, you!" Link yelled at one of the guards. "You know where da princess is?"

"Uh, yeah. She in da throne room, dipshit." The guard told him and rolled his eyes. Link felt stupider than a rat's ass.

"The throne rooms right dere." Midna said and pointed. The door was right in front of Link's face. He pushed the door open and entered the room, turned bright red at what he saw. Princess Zelda was laying on a pile of pillows, barely decent. The little skin she did hide was covered with black lace. A trio of insanely sexy men, wearing nothing but booty shorts, were tending to her every need. One was brushing her hair, another painting her nails. And one was just standing there looking hot.

"Sup, princess!" Midna yelled. Zelda looked up through eyeliner surrounded eyes.

"Well, would ya look at dat! It's mah favorite bitch Midna!" Zelda said. "Come here and sit wit me! Fernando, get her a martini or somethin'." Fernando, the hot guy who was posing, went to Zelda's minibar and started to mix a drink as MIdna went and plopped down on the pillows next to Zelda. Link stood in the doorway, utterly confused. Zelda looked up at him. "You got abs?"

"What?" Link asked.

"Don't you fuckin' what me, bitch. I said, you got abs?"

"Well, yeah, I guess."

"Then take your damn shirt off! Don't you know my rules?" Midna giggled.

"Nah, Zel, he don't know much."

"What the fuck?" Link casked, shirtless (and damn hot.) "What's goin on here, Zelda?"

"Excuse me, bitch?" Zelda asked, standing up. "What da hell you just call me?"

"Uh, Zelda. Dats your name, right?" Link said timidly. The princess was walking closer in her stilettos, an extremely pissed look on her face.

"Not to you it ain't!" She said and smacked Link across the face. "You refer to me as princess, you got dat?" A bright pink hand print took shape on Link's face.

"Dah hell's your problem?" He yelled at her. "I ain't yo bitch!" Zelda pulled a gun out from the drawer in a table near them. She pointed it right at Link's head.

"You are now, bitch."

"What the HELL?" Link yelled. "Guns haven't even been invented yet! And I am NOT your bitch!"

"Fuck dat, man." Zelda said. "Rules don't apply to me. I'm a fuckin' pimp. And you are too mah latest bitch. Get on yo fuckin' knees and beg, I don't care. I still be able to make a bundle off you." Link stood with his mouth open, speechless. Zelda was fuckin' insane if she thought she was gonna pimp him out like a bitch.

"Yeah, Zel. Da girls in Castle Town like him." Midna called from behind. Zelda smiled. "So do da guys, too. You be fuckin' rich by dah end of da month."

"Already am, bitch!" Zelda called back. And they laughed and laughed. But Link died a little inside. Link soon became known as the best hooker in all of Hyrule. And they all lived happily ever after. Except Ilia/Sugar. She caught herpes and died. THE END.


End file.
